Celebrating Pride: Embracing My Bisexuality While Being Married

I'm bisexual. I married a man. Yes, I'm still bisexual.

When my husband and I are out and about, holding hands, it’s easy to assume we’re the average heterosexual couple. Heteronormativity, the idea that straight is the standard, is a frequent issue for the LGBTQ+ community. Since coming out, I’ve had to work through biphobia, bi-erasure, and internalized heteronormativity. The song “Bi Wife Energy,” which went viral on TikTok last year, shows that I’m not alone in this – many bisexual women marry men, but that does not make them, or me, any less bisexual; it just brings a level of queerness to the relationship.

When I came out, I experienced biphobia and bi-erasure because I was dating a man, who I later married. Friends and family saw that my previous partners were all men and wondered if I was telling the truth. People with a variety of sexualities have questioned or dismissed my own because they believe I couldn’t possibly be queer and stay in a relationship with someone heterosexual. Even people who were generally supportive asked why coming out mattered to me if I was going to marry a man anyway and miss out on the “bisexual experience.” The answer is simple – it matters because it’s me and because I “married a man anyway.” It is part of who I am, and I would not have it forgotten like others throughout history – Sappho, Eleanor Roosevelt, Frida Kahlo, Billie Holiday, Marilyn Monroe. I’ve struggled with this in the past, debating if I should make up a girlfriend I never had to avoid questioning and trying to look as queer as possible. It’s taken a while to unlearn, become less defensive, and get more comfortable with who I am and what that means to me.

Now, when it comes up while meeting new people, I’m not worried about sharing that I’m bisexual, and if I get questions, I’m prepared to answer them or not, depending on how respectful they are. That being said, I never thought I would feel comfortable bringing it up in the professional space until I started working at WWCode. I read Joey Rosenburg’s Pride Month blog shortly before my interview and knew it would be a safe space. One of my teammates said part of how she knew WWCode would be a good fit for her was seeing my “Tired and Gay” mug during her interview. When I got my most recent tattoo and was asked about it, I mentioned it as a permanent bi flag without overthinking if I should. No one has questioned my identity, even knowing I have a husband. No one has asked me questions about it at all – it’s just accepted as part of who I am. 

Everyone deserves this at work and in their personal life. Sexuality is based on attraction, not action. No one should feel the need to prove who they are; to list off their relationship history, or who they’re attracted to and why; to prepare answers with your partner in case either of you are questioned by friends, family, coworkers, or strangers. If you see a man and a woman out and about, holding hands, you shouldn’t assume they’re a heterosexual couple. They could be, or they could be like my husband and I, or any other combination of sexualities in a relationship. It’s important to recognize and unlearn heteronormativity, no matter your sexuality.